As 2017 draws to a close, it’s clear to everyone at the North Pole that the old sled simply isn’t going to cut it that much longer. With the reindeers’ collective bargaining agreement set to expire, and the elves making noises about how much money Legolas is seeing from Lord of the Rings residuals, Santa is in tough to cut operating costs and improve efficiencies.
Maybe it’s time for the world’s fattest, jolliest man to join the 21st century and finally get himself a set of wheels that will make work that much easier – or as “easy” as it can be for someone who realistically only punches the clock one night out of the year. Check out our picks for what modern Santa should really be riding around in on that most famous of eves.
Honda Odyssey
Pros
Huge cargo area for holding gifts, distant third-row seating for transporting rowdy elves; integrated vacuum cleaner for taking care of “reindeer games” that couldn’t wait until we got to the next gas station, dammit!
Cons
The Easter Bunny and Lucky Charms Leprechaun make fun of your ride at seasonal meetings; Mrs. Claus makes you park it behind the workshop.
Mid-Engine Chevrolet Corvette C8
Pros
Mythical status matches general “Santa vibe”; frunk is presumably large enough to handle two toy sacks side-by-side.
Cons
Fanboys and spy photographers constantly trying to snap a pic and sell it to Road & Track; gives more ammunition to anyone who claims Santa doesn’t exist.
Chevrolet Avalanche
Pros
Affordable pricing on the used market; “mid-gate” allows access to toys without having to actually get out of the vehicle; “Avalanche” name fits in well with the polar crowd.
Cons
Jack Frost always talking down to you because he owns a Cadillac Escalade EXT; plastic style-bar keeps breaking because the elves won’t stop trying to “water ski” from it over snow drifts.
Ford Focus RS
Pros
Satisfies mid-life crisis associated with having been fat and jolly and married your entire life; younger elves actually start to respect you; phone blowing up with texts from Dom Toretto.
Cons
You totally misunderstand what “Drift Mode” is, now you’re stuck in three feet of snow mere hours before midnight on Christmas Eve.
Zamboni
Pros
Gag gift from NHL boss Gary Bettman, who’s actually not that bad a guy after a few eggnogs. Also makes you popular on the polar bear scene, as you can single-handedly fight global warming by making them extra ice sheets.
Cons
Pretty useless for anything other than impressing polar bears or setting up Bettman’s puns about getting a “clean sheet” this Christmas.
Land Rover Range Rover Autobiography
Pros
Goes anywhere without complaint; big enough for hauling gifts but nice enough inside to serve as an excuse to deny dirty, smelly reindeer a ride anywhere. Piano-black trim matches lumps of coal heavily handed out in Ottawa and Washington, DC regions.
Cons
Payments are tough, and Land Rover won’t recognize elfin tears or abominable snowman hides as legal tender.
Toyota Prius Prime
Pros
Polar bears appreciate the effort made at not contributing to melting ice caps; Greenpeace takes you off the eco-terrorist list (no one should live at the poles!); quiet operation makes it easier to comply with the incredible restrictions placed on Christmas air traffic by certain HOAs.
Cons
Nowhere to plug it in leads to construction of a small, portable nuclear reactor in the workshop, which returns you to the eco-terrorist list within mere minutes of hitting the “on” switch.
Tesla Model X
Pros
Get to be buddies with Elon, whose willingness to overlook profit and build a massive solar operation at the North Pole solves the reactor problem and finally gets those eco-warriors off your back for good.
Cons
Snow fills the interior every time you open the “X” doors; Autopilot doesn’t work when you’re in the air; constant late-night IMs from Musk asking for advice on how you “kept it together with Mrs. Claus” for so many years.
Ford F-150 Raptor
Pros
Finally get accepted by the Yeti crowd, who start inviting you to their infamous Arctic tundra endurance races and snow machine drags; plus the turbos love the cool polar air.
Cons
Leaves tracks so wide that orbiting satellites are at last able to pinpoint the exact location of your fabled workshop and home, clogging the street out front with news trucks and reporters, and making it impossible for your children to have a “normal” life.
Lamborghini Aventador
Pros
Fast enough that you can finally get all of your Christmas Eve deliveries done in a single night without having to disrobe and go through that awkward time portal you bought from James Cameron back in 1984.
Cons
You decide to only ever drive it on “nice, dry days”, which means it’s been parked in the garage since the day you bought it; elves won’t stop taking selfies with it; Rudolph keyed the driver’s door, because it was “redder than his nose”.
